


Turning Your Back

by Nyx_Fedra



Series: The Golden Mean [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, Comfort/Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 11:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14914622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyx_Fedra/pseuds/Nyx_Fedra
Summary: It’s been almost two years since the end of the war, but Ben still can’t sleep if he doesn’t have a clear view of the door from the bed. It takes Rey a while to understand why, and Snoke and the First Order surprisingly are, for once, not to blame.





	Turning Your Back

They lived in a small house at the edge of the woods - where the Falcon was hidden - away from the town. It was their own private sanctuary after the struggles of the war and their lives in general: it was quiet, peaceful, and they could be themselves, they could finally _live._

Rey loved it, and she loved even more the fact that she was sharing it with Ben, the rest of their lives.

She had been the one to insist on it, to get a proper marriage licence in the town, and the planet they were on was unremarkable enough, far enough in the Outer Rim, that it had never been touched by the war. And so they got married, and every now and then Rey would open the drawer of the writing desk in their bedroom and look at it, at the printed piece of paper with their _real_ names on it - _Rey and Ben Solo_ \- that confirmed that they were _together._

The clerk at the office had been more annoyed than anything else while printing it, a formality of bureaucracy, but it had meant _so_ much to her, and Ben had understood, as always, but it had meant a lot to him too. He had dragged her deep into the woods, past the clearing where the Falcon was parked, until they reached a small lake, and he had promised her aloud _everything_ , that they would never be alone again.

It had been such a happy day, and they had both realised that it was truly over, and that they were healing, even if slowly.

Ben didn’t have nightmares anymore, but after a lifetime of Snoke pocking around in his head, he always woke up disoriented, tired and confused, still baffled by the absence of Snoke’s darkness, although he was getting better. Rey, on the other hand, was learning trust. The town was not Niima outpost, the people were not in a constant fight for portions and credits against each other, they had plenty and they actually looked out for one another. Social cooperation, interpersonal trust. Those were the words the head of the town council liked to use. Rey had begun to like them as well.

She had begun to like a lot of things: waking up in Ben’s arms, watching him cook because she was helpless at it, repairing things out in the back garden while Ben worked their vegetable patch, or in the front garden when he tended the flowers - it had been a surprise to discover how much he loved nature and calligraphy, a sad one when she thought of how much of himself he had given up living for a decade on ships and in minimal First Order buildings - she loved taking walks with him, fix the Falcon or fly it around the planet to see the sea on the other hemisphere, the lazy afternoons cuddling on the sofa watching something on the holo, the comfortable silences, falling asleep with him, and so so much more.

It had been a shock after Crait to admit to herself that she loved Ben, and she didn’t think she could love him more, but she did. Rey felt as if she loved him more everyday. They still argued sometimes, of course they sparred with their lightsabers, mediated, and the bond was stronger than ever, like the Force in them, because of the balance they had finally reached.

The sex… well, they had been crazy about it in their first months on the planet, the thrill of being alive, _alone together_ , and of being able to _touch_ one another after the weird contact they had grown accustomed to with the bond. Rey had though that the moment would fade, that they would slow down, which they had, but only slightly, and she had absolutely no complaints about that. She had never been more free in her life, Ben as well, and every time a kiss deepened she was usually the one with her hands already under his shirt. They wanted it, and they could, and they were safe, together, away from the pressure of the entire galaxy.

That night had been no exception. It started with Ben washing the dishes in the sink, innocent in itself, but his forearms did things to her, _he did things to her_. She had told him as much only to see him blush, and Rey had not even waited for Ben to finish the washing down before pushing him away from the sink and against her.

He was so _shy_ , this man who had been the terror of the whole galaxy, so insecure, so careful with her, so gentle.

‘Can I kiss you?’ he had the audacity to ask, mere centimetres apart.

They were _married_ , and still he asked sometimes.

She loved him _so much._

With her hands in his hair, she had yanked him down to her, and from there they hadn’t stopped, and they had made it to their bed - most of the time they didn’t - and now they were seated, happy, relaxed.

They were both cuddlers in private, after having been a galaxy apart for so long, after the bond breaking them apart suddenly, and their lonely lives during which touch had mostly been a synonym for violence, they relished in each other gentle touches, in being held like something precious. Ben shivered while she moved a hand through his hair, his face buried in her chest, his hands resting on her hips. With his warm weight on her, they were both beginning to doze off, the light of the lamp on the bedside table low enough so not to disturb them.

She was almost asleep, they both were, until Ben, suddenly, jerked awake moving away from her, breathing quickly.

‘Ben, Ben! Was it a nightmare?’ she asked immediately awake, moving to cup his face with her hands.

‘I’m okay, I’m okay… sorry… sorry…’ he repeated trying to calm himself, but she could see panic in his eyes, feel it in the bond. ‘It’s just, sorry… it’s… not my side of the bed’ he said moving over her until he was on her other side.

‘Alright’ Rey said confused.

She tried to reach him through the bond, but he had lifted his walls, and when he was once again with his head on her chest, her arms holding him more tightly, she simply allowed him to go back to sleep since he felt comfortable enough to do so.

To her surprise, despite the panic Rey had felt in him, Ben fell asleep fairly quickly after that, while she stoked his hair a while longer because of the leftover adrenaline keeping her awake. In the partial darkness of their room, before she finally fell asleep as well, Rey noticed distractedly that Ben was facing the door.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Ben clearly felt guilty for having scared her the night before. He woke her up with soft kisses and an abundant breakfast, and when to her questions he replayed that it wasn’t a nightmare, just old instincts having the best of him, she understood. After all, she still ate ferociously, even though there was more than enough food on their table every day.

She almost forgot about it for a week until she began to notice a pattern: Ben always slept on the right side of the bed.

The right side of the bed was further away from the door, but he could face it while spooning her from behind, or when she held him on her chest because with his ridiculously broad chest he was too big for her to spoon him. So one way or another, he always faced the door.

Ben had talked about old instincts, and Rey’s mind immediately wondered. Was it the First Order? She knew Hux had tried to kill him several times in the last months of the war, but… the way he had jolted awake, his look almost desperate. It was something deep, something that apparently even the peace and security and comfort of their home, of their new shared life, had been unable to heal.

That night she sat down on the bed next to him, and Ben lowered the datapad he had in his hands to look at her, sensing her mild distress in the bond.

‘You always face the door’ she said simply.

Ben looked down at his hands, a painful expression crossing his face and Rey knew he wasn’t ready to share that with her just yet.

It was okay, they had time.

‘It’s fine’ she added brushing his hair away from his face before kissing his cheek.

He needed a haircut, his hair so long they kept getting in his eyes, but Rey had been almost spellbound when she had seen him braid a small section of it, and even more so when he kept the upper half in a small bun. She pushed those thoughts in the bond, and he blushed while smiling lightly, pushing back images of her working an engine, her skin glowing under the sun, and it was her turn to blush.

When they turned off the lights that night, he was the one holding her from behind, his nose brushing lightly the back of her neck.

He was, of course, facing the door.

‘I know it may be stupid but…’ he began in a murmur, and Rey stayed silent, giving him time ‘I was so young, and it marked me so deep.’

He was silent for a while, and Rey tried not to push him, even though she _really_ wanted to know.

‘It hurt, when you closed the bond on Crait. Not only because you closed it, disappointed, but because I knew you felt like that, _and you left on the Falcon_. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve seen my father leaving me behind like that, his disappointment in me only growing every time I had a tantrum. I still can’t take it, I _need_ to walk in with you, of before you, so that my mind doesn’t fall into that, thinking that you’ll send me away like they did.’

Suddenly, Rey understood exactly what was the problem, her heart clenching for him, but she let Ben say it.

‘I _need_ to face the door, even after _everything._ Luke was my uncle and… the look I saw in his eyes that night… Force, I was so, _so_ afraid your saber was going to be green when you told me you built a new one, you don’t even know how relieved I was to see the deep blue. Sometimes… if I don’t face the door, it gets me. I know you love me, _I can feel it_ , deep inside me, through the bond, but… but so did Luke, and I know you would _never_ , but if I don’t face door the nightmares come back, and you or Luke are ready to strike me down. I’m working on it, I promise, I’ll do better’ he said, his voice breaking.

Rey turned around in his arms and she held him while he cried until exhaustion allowed him to fall asleep, and a part of her once again hated Luke. One single moment of weakness, and so many consequences…

The next morning, Ben tried to act as if nothing had happened - his usual reaction after opening up - but Rey could see straight through him: he was tired, and sad, and frustrated at himself. He was really trying to get better, for himself and for her, for their new life together, but the scar left by Luke was deep.

She didn’t know what to do exactly, how to make him feel better, how to simply _help_ him, which made her frustrated as well. So that night, she tried with a direct approach.

When Ben entered their room, she was already settled in on his side of the bed. He understood, of course, and pushed his lips in a thin line, his eyes dark and full of sadness, fear.

‘We try, just for a while, not the whole night. Everyday ten minutes more’ she proposed while he sat down on the bed, his back to her and his eyes fixed on the door. He was not seeing the light blue wooden door in front of him, he was seeing the one to his hut, she knew it now. If she concentrated enough, through the bond Rey could see it too.

‘I’ll hold you’ she added moving her hand up and down his back, soothing him, and Ben nodded, finally laying down with her.

‘Ten minutes?’ he asked, his voice raw, his hands holding on to her tightly.

‘Ten minutes’ she promised placing a kiss on his forehead. ‘Don’t think about it, just look at me and then close your eyes, focus on me. Like with the bond, only me, no surroundings’ she murmured moving her thumb in a light caress under his eye.

Ben nodded, the tension lines on his face relaxing slightly. He moved closer until their foreheads were touching and then, with his back to the door, he closed his eyes.


End file.
